Eclipse: The Dark Side of the Moon Series, Book 2
by TMNT-Queen
Summary: Hamato Leonardo had been harming himself for as long as he could remember. Then one day someone stepped in and turned everything around. But when that someone starts to lose themselves again, it's Leo's turn to step up to the plate. Can he make a difference, as broken as he still is? Or will the Hamato Clan suffer yet more loss?
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

The ticking of the clock was the only indication of time passing. The rest of the world kept moving outside of the bedroom, unaware of what was going on behind the locked door.

He lifted a small pouch from a secret drawer under the bed and opened the leather flap, revealing the blades that shone within. Green fingers removed a clean silver blade from the pouch. He took a deep breath, setting the blade against his wrist.

But he didn't press down.

It had been weeks since Hamato Leonardo cut himself. And though today hadn't been a particularly good day for him, the turtle wasn't about to break the promise he had made to his youngest brother. It had been a long, hard day for the blue-clad leader. And even though he had talked to Leatherhead a few days prior, he just didn't have the strength to keep pushing. So he took a blade to his wrist. And Mikey found him.

 _"Promise me you'll stop cutting,"_ Mikey said. Tears glistened in his eyes and his lower lip trembled. But his voice was strong.

 _"Why?"_

 _"We already lost Dad. We can't lose you too."_

So Leo promised.

For weeks, he hadn't watched the blood drip down his skin. For weeks he had managed to be strong enough to get by. And every time he thought about Mikey's face, those tears in his baby blue eyes, he held off a little longer.

Leo took another breath, staring at the metal against his green skin. It taunted him like Raph had during practice that morning. _Go ahead. No one will care. No one will even notice._

"Mikey will," the blue-banded turtle whispered. "And I can't hurt him like that. Not again."

It took some effort, but he slowly put the blade back into the pouch and sealed it, then tossed the pouch into the drawer again. Once the drawer was closed, Leo turned to his journal and wrote down a single line.

 _Day 21 - Clean._


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: A big thank-you to _leggo lover 99_ for the idea! It rather took off in my brain, haha. ;)

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

 _Thwack. Thwack. Thwack._

The sound of skin on leather echoed through the dojo. Each hit to the punching bag sent a shockwave ripping through Raphael's powerful muscles. But he barely felt anything. His mind was too preoccupied with other things.

Specifically, with what happened that morning during training.

They had been sparring two-on-one, with Leo supervising and offering suggestions from time to time. It was going well. And then Raph had to open his big mouth.

 _"Jeez, Fearless,"_ he said, annoyed with his brother's seeming aloofness. _"If you're so concerned with the way we're fighting, why the shell don't you just get in here and show us how it's done?"_

 _"I'm just trying to help, Raph,"_ Leo replied. _"There are still some minor flaws in your technique. I know it's just because you're rusty-"_

 ** _"I'm_** _rusty?! This coming from a guy who doesn't even spar with us anymore? I can't freaking believe you!"_

 _"Raph,"_ Donnie said warningly. He had told his sibling to give the blue-clad leader some space. Evidently, his advice was going unheeded.

 _"It's okay, Donnie. I can handle it."_

 _"Oh, you can? The same way you handled Splinter's death these past few months, I'd imagine,"_ Raph taunted. The topic was still a sore spot for him - he was frustrated with having to tiptoe around the subject. In his opinion, Leo needed to get it together. And if he wouldn't do it himself, Raph would make him.

Leo's eye twitched. _"I'm working on it,"_ he hissed.

 _"So when are we gonna see any improvement, then?"_

At this point, both turtles were done talking. Leo let out an angry cry and launched himself at his brother. And Raph was ready and waiting. He threw a massive punch at Leo's jaw, which the leader barely dodged. But while Leo was distracted by the fist, Raph jerked his knee up and caught him directly in the lower plastron.

Leo fell backwards, clutching his stomach and gasping. The look of intense pain on his face made Raph sneer. _"You can't even defend yourself against me, and I'm apparently **so** rusty. Some leader."_

Mikey and Donnie glared at him as they tried to help their oldest brother up. Leo just shook his head and brushed their hands off, shakily standing. _"I can't do this anymore, Raph. I can't fight this battle with you. I'm done."_

This was not the reaction Raph had expected. Or wanted. _"What?"_

 _"I'm done. I'm done being the leader to someone who doesn't even want to be led. You want improvement? Fine. I'll improve your status on the team. You're the leader now. How's **that** for improvement?"_

No, this was definitely not what Raph wanted. _"Leo, wait just a minute-"_

 _"I'm done waiting."_ And the blue-banded turtle threw down his katana and staggered from the room, holding onto the wall for support.

Raph's world had been flipped within seconds. And those few seconds were all it took for Mikey to explode.

 _"What the shell was that?!"_ the youngest ninja roared, fury filling his baby-blue eyes. _"We **talked** about this, Raph! You don't say that kind of stuff to him!"_

 _"Mikey, I didn't mean to-"_

 _"The shell you didn't! You knew perfectly well what you were doing! You were trying to hurt him! And guess what? It worked!"_

 _"Mike-"_

 _"I don't want to hear another word coming from your mouth! You hear me? Not one single word._ _I'm gonna go check on Leo."_ Before he left the dojo, he looked back one last time. _"I hope you finally got what you wanted, Raphael."_

Now, alone in his bedroom, Raph let out a bone-weary sigh and sank onto his bed. "This _wasn't_ what I wanted," he mumbled, dragging a hand down his face. Next door, he could hear Mikey speaking in a soft tone to their oldest brother. He couldn't pick up what they were saying. But he could hazard a guess.

A knock on the door interrupted Raph's thoughts. "Come in," the hothead called.

Donnie entered his brother's room and closed the door behind himself. It had been weeks since the genius eavesdropped on Leo and Mikey's conversation. He had been monitoring the eldest for any signs of depression or self-harm, but none were forthcoming. And he wasn't quite ready to go snooping around in Leo's room yet. But this morning's events were very worrisome to him.

So it was time for a confession.

"Raph...I-I overheard something you really need to know about."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"You know he didn't really mean it."

"The shell he didn't!"

"Leo, Raph is just frustrated lately. Everything is kind of off balance, and-"

"Oh, like I'm not?!"

Mikey took in the scowl on his oldest brother's face, the anger etched into his very posture, and sighed. "Look, bro...I know it's not easy to be patient when he's poking at you, but sometimes you just have to take it in stride. Raph is a butthead. We know that - we always have. We just have to allow for him sometimes."

"To what end? When will it finally be enough? When will we be able to stop making excuses for his horrible temper and behavior?" Leo's next punch to the wall came hard. Something in his hand gave way with an audible _crack_ and he swore in pain, clutching the injured member to his plastron.

Mikey sighed and took his brother's hand, examining it. The knuckles were busted at least. Streaks of blood ran down his green skin, and there was already some discoloration appearing.

"You have to stop doing this to yourself," the youngest chided softly, reaching for a roll of bandages and starting to wrap up the injury. "One day you're really gonna get hurt."

Leo was silent until his sibling had finished bandaging his hand. Then he sat down on the floor and pulled his knees to his chest. "I'm sorry, Mike...I just...it hurts, the things he says. What he calls me."

"I know it does," the freckled ninja replied. "And I also know that it's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt. But anger doesn't help anything, Leo."

"I wouldn't have to manage my anger if certain people could learn to manage their stupidity," Leo muttered.

"Dude, I know it's hard. But you're both working through some stuff."

The blue-banded turtle said nothing for a long moment. Then tears rose unbidden to his eyes. "...I wish Dad were here," he finally confessed, near silent. "He could help me. He could...he could figure out this thing between me and Raph."

Mikey shook his head. "You know what he'd say. He'd tell you to figure it out between yourselves."

"I just-"

 _"He did WHAT?!"_

Raph's shout permeated the not-so-thick wall that separated his bedroom with Leo's, causing the leader to flinch. When nothing else followed that egregiously loud exclamation, Leo turned to Mikey with wide eyes.

"What do you think that was all about?"

The youngest shrugged. "Who knows? Raph gets ticked off by the littlest things. For all we know, this time it could've been about a cockroach eating his favorite barbecue potato chips."

At that Leo's expression softened. "Thanks, little brother."

"For what?"

"For talking to me."

A sly smile appeared on Mikey's face. "Does that mean you're gonna work this out with Raph?"

"I'll try at least," the blue-banded terrapin replied, shrugging. "Whether or not I succeed is ultimately up to him. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

"Are you calling Raph a horse? Cuz I totally agree with your statement and all, but I would've substituted 'bloated buffalo' for horse."

Leo snorted a laugh. "Come on," he said, tugging at his sibling's bandana. "Let's go get something to eat."

"Pizza?" Mikey asked hopefully.

"Fine...but you're not picking the toppings this time."

"Aw, come on dude! Why not?"

"Because I don't want to get stuck eating marshmallow-sardine-surprise again."

The youngest stuck his tongue out. "You just don't know what's good."

But while Leo had his back turned to order the pizza, Mikey couldn't help the smile that crept onto his lips.

It seemed that Hamato Leonardo was finally turning a corner.


	4. Chapter 3

**Quick Warning:** _There's some slight language in this chapter, guys. (It **is** Raphael, after all.)_

 **Chapter 3**

Dinner that night was strained between the brothers. Raph and Donnie glanced over at their oldest sibling more than once with looks he couldn't quite place, and Mikey just picked at his food silently.

 _Something is bothering him,_ Leo decided. _I'll talk to him later._

Right now, he had to deal with the uncomfortable quiet that stretched across the room. It was seriously beginning to irritate the eldest. Especially since it looked like Raph had something he was dying to say. But every time the hothead opened his mouth to speak, he closed it again just as quickly.

Finally, the blue-banded turtle couldn't take it any longer. "Oh, for the love of - Just spit it out already, would you?!"

His outburst made the other three flinch. Mikey looked up from his plate with wide eyes. But Donnie just sighed, exchanging another look with Raph. The sai-wielding turtle shrugged.

"We...um...we noticed that you'd been acting kind of strange lately," Donnie began tentatively. He wanted to push his brother just enough so he'd reveal everything himself. The genius didn't want to let him know he had eavesdropped on that conversation all those weeks ago.

Leo's eyes narrowed a little. "How so?" He couldn't say he'd been acting weird. He'd been acting normal. Or as normal as could be considered, after everything that had happened within the past year. Sure, he might've avoided Raph and Donnie as of late, but that was only because he was trying to work out his own inner demons.

"We-ell...how do I put this...? You've started closing yourself off again...we rarely see you, except for training. And the moments when you're _not_ training, you're holed up with Mikey in your room. Door locked, lights dimmed. You've barely been eating-"

"That's not true," Leo denied, his hands clenching into fists. "I've been eating just fine. Shell, I split pizza with Mikey for lunch. That's four whole slices for me, in case you didn't figure it out."

The words came out nastier than he meant them to, and Donnie flinched again. "All I'm saying is that we're worried about you, Leo. Really."

"You don't need to worry about me. I can take care of myself." There was a dark scowl on his face now, a dangerous light in his eyes.

Worry surged in Mikey's heart at that expression. It was too close to the one his oldest brother used to wear before he'd started talking to Leatherhead. "Look, guys. Why don't we just step back and take a breather?" He placed a light hand on the leader's shoulder. "Leo?" The word came out timid and soft. Scared.

After a moment Leo sighed and nodded, returning his attention to his food. But that argument was just the beginning. He could sense it. The air was too still, too calm. It hung around them like fragile glass, waiting to be broken.

Across the table, Raph's eye twitched. He was still having a hard time coming to grips with what Donnie had told him that afternoon. Leo _hurt_ himself. Purposely. It didn't matter if it was to "relieve the stress" or whatever other excuse he used to cover up his problem. It didn't matter that he was "working through some things" after Splinter's death. You didn't see _Raph_ slicing his own skin, did you? It was a mark of weakness.

"You're a coward, you know that?" The words burst out from Raph's lips, but he didn't want to take them back - not even when the other three stared at him like he'd lost his mind. Not even at the surprise on Leo's face. Raph was speaking the truth. And Splinter always said the truth couldn't hurt.

"What?" Leo's voice was dangerously low.

"You're a goddamn coward," Raph elaborated, pointing a finger at his twin. "What gave you the right to go and do what you did? You think that just because you were hurting it was okay to do something like that? To put our family in danger? To put our _clan_ in danger? What would Dad say, huh? What would he say if he knew his precious _leader_ was cutting himself?"

And the glass shattered.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"What gave you the right to go and do what you did? You think that just because you were hurting it was okay to do something like that? To put our family in danger? To put our _clan_ in danger? What would Dad say, huh? What would he say if he knew his precious _leader_ was cutting himself?"

The words hung in the air for a moment, thick and heavy and ugly.

"Well?" Raph prompted, sneering a little. "Why don't you take off your wrappings and show everyone what you've done to yourself?"

"Raphael!" Donnie snapped.

"What?!" the hothead asked, scowling. "Everyone knows, Donnie. The _perfect son_ can't hide it anymore."

 _Truth._

Leo stared at his brother with wide cobalt eyes. Sweat streamed down his face and neck. His blood pounded in his veins and every fiber of his being screamed for him to run. _He knows he knows he knows-_

The blue-banded turtle leapt up out of his chair, but the room was spinning. He couldn't get enough oxygen. He reached for something - anything - to hold on to, but there was nothing left to support him.

 _Alone._

 _Freak._

 _Worthless._

 _Failure._

 _Coward._

Leo screwed his eyes shut and curled up into a ball on the floor, placing his hands tight over his ears to block out the taunting voices. "Shut up!" he screamed.

 _"Donnie, do something!"_

 _"He's not responding-"_

 _"LEO!"_

The next thing the leader knew, he was lying in bed with an icepack pressed to his forehead. The ice didn't do much to help the headache raging in his skull. He groaned, and a familiar green face swam into view above him.

Mikey's cheeks split in a weary smile. "Hey, bro," he said softly. "How you doing?"

"How long...how long was I out?"

"Three hours. Donnie said you needed some rest, so we let you sleep."

"They both know, don't they? It wasn't a dream."

The youngest turtle sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "No, it wasn't."

Leo closed his eyes, taking the icepack off and running a hand down his face. "I never wanted them to find out," he admitted. "I knew how they'd react. At least, I knew how Raph would react. Donnie didn't seem that surprised."

"He told me he overheard something about it and pieced the rest together himself."

When Leo spoke again, the words were near-silent. "They won't trust me now. Not to lead the team, not with a weapon, not-"

"Dude, don't worry about any of that," Mikey said, gentle but firm. "Our priority is still the same. We're gonna get the old Leo back and then we'll figure out where to go from there, all right?"

The leader let out a bitter laugh. "Mikey...the old Leo is gone."

"No, he's not!" the freckled turtle denied hotly. "He's still in there! _You're_ still in there! I know you are!" Mikey took a deep breath, dashing at the tears stinging his eyes. "It doesn't matter if you give up, because no matter what I'm never going to stop pushing you forward. I'm never going to stop trying to get through to the person you used to be."

"I can't be the leader anymore, Mikey. Not like I was."

"Forget about being a leader for once and just worry about being a brother! Be the brother you used to be!"

Now tears gathered in Leo's eyes too. Hot, salty liquid shame traveled down his cheeks. "I don't remember who he was," he whispered.

"Remember the time you picked me up when I scraped my knee so bad I couldn't walk? You kissed it and wrapped it and made it all better! Or what about that mission we were on where you kept Shredder's attention so we could get away? What about all the game nights we had and the movies we watched and the year we ate so much Halloween candy we were sick for days, and it turned out that we had the flu on top of stomachaches?"

Mikey's words cut through the fog surrounding those memories, and slowly the images began to trickle into Leo's mind. "I-I remember that."

The orange-banded ninja gave a watery laugh. "You should. You were the one who threw up on Sensei's favorite kimono, Mr. I-Can-Eat-More-Candy-Than-You."

Leo winced, but there was a small smile on his face. "He was so mad at me. I lost TV privileges for a week."

"A strict punishment for a five-year-old," Mikey agreed, wiping his eyes again. "But you know what? You came back from that horrible flu stronger and better than before. You can do anything you put your mind to, Leo. All you have to do is try."

He stood up and Leo panicked for a moment. "Where are you going?"

"To let you get some more sleep, you stubborn idiot. Secrets can weigh heavily on someone, you know. Drain their body and make them exhausted, and all that."

"Smarty-pants."

"I would be, if I wore pants. But I don't. So go to sleep."

Leo chuckled as Mikey left the room. And despite the fears that circled his mind like birds of prey, the leader found himself drifting off into a comfortable oblivion.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

He shouldn't have pushed Leo like that. He understood now. But hindsight, of course, is always 20/20.

So it came as no surprise when Raphael found his youngest brother waiting in front of his bedroom later that night. "We need to talk."

 **TMNT/TMNT/TMNT**

Raph shut his bedroom door and turned to face Mikey, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms. "Alright, spill. You obviously have something you wanna say, so go ahead. Say it."

"...I wanted to apologize."

The hothead blinked, taken aback. "Y-You what? You're not mad at me for what I did?"

Mikey's lips twisted in a humorless smile. "Shell yeah, I'm mad at you. But I'm more mad at myself."

"Why?"

The freckled ninja sighed and sat on the floor, pulling his knees to his plastron. "Because I knew that this was coming. It was inevitable, really. There was no scenario in which you guys wouldn't find out. But maybe if I had done things the right way and told you in the first place, this afternoon wouldn't have happened."

"It's not your fault, Mike. We all know I got a temper. And when something bothers me, I tend to lash out."

Mikey scratched idly at his left wrist, his thoughts a million miles away. "I just...we came so close to losing him and we didn't even realize it, and for a while he was getting better. And then this happened and..." He trailed off, his shoulders sagging. "I don't blame you, Raph. Just so you know. And...and Leo doesn't blame you either. I think he wanted to let you know that, but you never went by his room. You're both too damn stubborn."

Despite himself, Raph had to chuckle at that. "Fair enough." A question poked at his mind, something he'd been wondering since he found out about Leo's secret. "How did...how did you figure out he was hurting himself?"

The youngest flushed guiltily, giving his brother a cheeky grin. "I went snooping in his room. He'd been acting really weird so I decided to find out why. And then I found his-" Mikey caught himself, changing his words at the last minute. The last thing Leo needed to deal with right now was someone finding his secret stash. "Anyway, that's how I figured it out. And then I kinda confronted him about it."

Raph frowned internally at the stumble. _He's hiding something._ But he didn't push the issue. Instead, he figured, he'd go check Leo's room out himself when the leader wasn't around. The visit was really long since past due, anyway. It was something Raph should've done a while ago, when he first found out about his brother's problem.

So he ignored Mikey's slip of tongue and offered a hand to him. "C'mon, you bonehead. Let's go see if we can find something to eat. We all missed dinner."

"And after that you'll go see Leo, right?"

The question caught Raph completely off guard and he stopped, staring at his sibling. "What?"

For once, Mikey looked completely serious. "You need to talk to him, Raph. All this tiptoeing around each other hasn't been good for either of you. It needs to stop."

"But...what if I just make things worse? You know how big my mouth is."

"You'll have to take that chance." Mikey's baby blue eyes filled with a sad kind of acceptance and he smiled a little. "I know the two of you have never really gotten along well, but he needs your support right now."

"Why me?" Raph whispered. "Why me of all people? Why not April or Donnie or-"

"Because you're his strength. You're the one who pushes him to be better, to keep going. Remember that time after the Invasion, where you took him out and kept making him train to build his strength back?"

"Yeah, but-"

"This isn't that different, except this time he needs help with his inner strength, not his physical strength."

"In case you hadn't noticed, Mike, I'm not exactly the most _cuddly_ kinda guy."

Mikey almost laughed at that, but he figured it would only make things worse. Instead, he put an hand on his older brother's arm to draw his attention. "Raphie...please," he whispered. "Just try. For Leo's sake. And...and if you can't get through to him, if you guys start arguing again, you can stop. But at least talk to him for ten minutes. Please. He has to know he's not alone."

Something about Mikey's tone made Raph pause and look down. Mikey's eyes were swimming with tears and his lower lip was trembling. "This...this isn't just about Leo, is it?" Raph guessed quietly. "This is about you too, somehow."

The ninja jerked away, then, pain clouding his normally clear gaze. "Y'know, I'm suddenly not hungry."

Raph had crossed the line. Somehow. "Mikey-"

Mikey's youthful face suddenly changed, seeming to age right before the hothead's eyes. "My only concern right now is saving Leo," he said firmly. "Anything else can wait. It has to."

But as Raph watched his sibling leave, he knew that something else was going on with the youngest turtle.

He made up his mind to find out exactly what it was.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Raph took a deep breath and moved to knock on Leo's door. But for the third time in a row, his hand stalled a few inches away from the metal. The hothead squeezed his eyes shut. _Get it together, Raph. This is just a conversation with Leo, not the end of the world._

 _Unless, of course, I screw this up. Then it'll be the end of_ my _world cuz Mikey'll kick my butt to Jersey and back._

The thought made him chuckle and he gathered up his courage. But before he could knock, the door opened to reveal the haggard-looking eldest standing just inside.

"What do you want, Raph?" Leo asked tiredly.

Raph swallowed, looking at the floor. "We need to talk."

* * *

"Look, I-I wanted to apologize."

Leo snorted and raised an eye ridge in disbelief. "You...wanted to apologize...to me."

Green eyes flared with a spark of anger, but the resident hothead buried it quickly. "Come on, bro. I'm trying to be honest with you here. I was shocked, is all. Y'know I don't handle change well."

"Why do you think I didn't ever let you guys find out? I knew how you'd react. And...and I was ashamed." Leo's voice grew quiet and his head dropped towards his chest. "I knew I wasn't being the leader - the _brother_ \- you needed me to be. I just...I was scared that I wasn't good enough to-"

Raph frowned at that. "Hold on. What do you mean, _not good enough_? Leo, you're a fine brother. Sure, you may be a pain in the shell, but that doesn't mean you're not a good person. We all make mistakes. It's how we learn from them that defines us."

A small smile crossed Leo's face. "Wise words."

"Yeah. Came from an old Japanese guy one time." The brothers were silent for a long moment and then Raph spoke up again. "Look, Leo, I know the truth. I know how dead you are inside, how worthless you feel-"

"Stop," Leo whispered.

"I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see."

"Stop it."

"I know you like the pain you inflict upon yourself because you believe that you deserve it. Because somehow, it makes you feel better about yourself. It takes away the shame you feel because you think you're a bad person-"

"Stop it!" the leader yelled, tears coursing down his cheeks. "I _am_ a bad person, and I deserve every single scar that I give myself. I've failed too many times."

"How?" Raph pressed, anger surfacing in his expression again. He wasn't angry at _Leo,_ not really. He was angry at himself, for not paying enough attention. For not being able to see this coming. For not being there to protect his brother. "How did you fail, Leo? How the shell did you fail?"

"HE'S GONE BECAUSE OF ME!"

The words exploded from Leo's mouth and he slapped a hand over his lips as if to stop them. But too late. They hung in the air for a moment, echoing in Raph's ears.

"Leo," he said softly. "Is...is that what you really think? You think it's your fault that Splinter's..."

"Of course it's my fault, Raph," Leo replied, his voice cracking. His shoulders sagged. Suddenly he looked old. Far too old.

Leo jerked as his brother's green hand landed on his shoulder. He looked up with bloodshot eyes. But Raph's face held no malice - not a touch of anger.

"You're wrong. I was right there, closer than you were. And I couldn't stop it either. None of us could. Not even April could've predicted it. So stop blaming yourself." Raph smiled, a little sadly. "You're not a bad person, Leo. You're a very good person that bad things have happened to."

Leo looked at him, then. Really, truly _looked_ at him. And for the first time in months - in _years -_ Raph got a good look at his older brother. At the pain he'd been hiding all this time. At the self-loathing and the disgust he had for himself. At the way he was barely holding himself together.

And Raph wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. "I've got you, big brother. I've got you and I'm never letting go. Never again, you hear me? Never again."

* * *

 **Dudes, I'm not gonna lie to you - I almost freaking cried while I wrote this.**

 **Please review!**


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It wasn't long after Raph apologized to Leo that Donnie suggested they all take a trip up to the farmhouse for a few weeks. Leo blinked at him in shock, but before he could protest, the second youngest was explaining his suggestion.

"It would do us all a little good to get away for awhile," the genius had said. "Even if it's only for three weeks. We could all use a little break from the city life, and it might help you recover."

Leo shoulders slumped a little as he trudged up the stairs to his bedroom. He walked to his closet to pull a duffel bag out and begin packing. But when he turned to his bed to put the bag down, something caught his eye. His secret drawer was cracked open.

Ice shot through the leader's veins. _I could've sworn I closed that._

Leo's heart pounded in his chest as he knelt down and opened the compartment. At first glance, nothing was amiss. The alcohol bottles were all accounted for, protective cloth still wrapped around them. His journal, which he had taken to storing in the drawer as a precaution, was still there. The only thing missing was...

"My knife kit," he realized with horrified clarity. "It's gone." His breathing picked up, growing quicker and more unsteady as he rifled through the contents of the hidden drawer. Sweat beaded on his forehead. "It has to be here. It has to."

It wasn't that Leo needed it anymore, not really. He hadn't actually cut himself in about a month. But solid objects didn't just disappear into thin air. Which meant that someone had taken his kit.

Which meant they knew about the journal and the alcohol and whatever else he kept in the drawer.

The room spun around the eldest and he squeezed his eyes shut, falling back onto the floor with a _thump._ He put his head in his hands. "This is not happening. This is not happening."

 _Get it together, Leo. Freaking out won't help anything. Think about this logically. Who knew where you kept your stuff?_

"Mikey," he whispered. "Mikey knew. He saw everything."

 _He wouldn't take my kit. He's not that pushy...is he?_

It was true that he'd been trying hard to help Leo get better, but the leader didn't think that Mikey would go to such extreme measures as to remove his knives from the equation. Mikey had enough faith in his oldest brother to believe that Leo wouldn't cut himself again.

If it wasn't Mikey, then who was it? Donnie? Raph? They had both been in his room within the past forty-eight hours; Donnie while Leo was unconscious, and Raph when he came to apologize. But Mikey had been here while Donnie was here - and unless the youngest showed Don the secret cache, that left only one suspect.

"But I was _in_ my room while Raph was in here. Unless...unless he came back and poked around when I was downstairs." That option sounded more and more plausible the longer he thought about it.

One thing was for certain. The kit was gone, and it wasn't likely to reappear any time soon.

Leo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It's okay. I don't need it. I wasn't taking it on the trip anyway. I'll figure everything else out when we get back."

That resolved, the leader stood up, easing the drawer shut with his foot. He returned his attention to the duffel bag, trying to decide what to take. Donnie had made it very clear that this was not a training trip. It was purely for relaxation and recuperation.

A thought struck Leo suddenly. He hadn't had a fun trip like that in several years, at least. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time he'd gone somewhere just to enjoy himself. So as he carried his luggage out to the Party Wagon later that evening, he made a promise.

He would enjoy this trip with his brothers. He wouldn't worry about being a leader for once. He would actually try and give himself the time he needed to recover. Because for once in his life, Hamato Leonardo didn't have to be a leader. All he needed to be was a brother.

And for once, that was enough.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 _"Is he asleep?"_

 _"I believe so, yes."_

 _"Dude, he must've been pretty tired."_

 _"I can imagine. The weight of carrying those secrets probably didn't make things any easier on him, either."_

A strong pair of arms slips underneath me and lifts me up out of the Party Wagon. As Raph carries me into the farmhouse, I let my brothers' voices lull me into that pleasant void between sleeping and waking. My head lolls against Raph's plastron and a small smile makes my lips twitch upwards.

Mikey sighs and my brain goes on alert immediately. But there's no trouble for once. Only a quiet observation follows the long release of his breath. _"It's nice to see him this relaxed. He hasn't looked so peaceful in a long time."_

A rumble of near-silent laughter shakes Raph's chest. _"True that."_

Finally, we reach the second floor of the old house and my hotheaded brother carries me into the bedroom he and I normally share. He gently sets me down on the bed, pulling the covers up over me. And then a set of lips ghosts over my forehead and my eyes almost fly open in shock. I barely manage to keep that warm look on my face.

 _"Sleep well, Ani,"_ Raph whispers as they leave the room.

I lay there for a long time, staring up at the ceiling and letting my thoughts drift. I'm so far away now. So far away from the things that hurt me. From the things I used to hurt myself. I wonder if Sensei would be happy to see me like this, just like Mikey was.

A frown crosses my face. _Mikey._ Something was up with him. But what? I wrack my brain but I just can't put my finger on it.

I sigh, my eyelids suddenly too heavy. They slip shut and I fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

 _A huddled figure, their attention turned to something in their hands. Fog obscures some of my vision. But the closer I get, the more I recognize the person in front of me._

 _It's Mikey._

 _His blue eyes are dull and vacant, his face worn and lined. He's muttering something. "... hurts too much. Can't let them know. Can't let anyone find out."_

 _"Find out about what?" I ask, bending over to get a better look at him. "Mikey? Come on, little brother. Talk to me."_

 _He looks up at me and I gasp. His cheeks are coated with tears of blood. And on his wrists are the biggest cuts I've ever seen. "Save me, Leo. You have to save me."_

 _I stagger backwards, horror and despair rising in my heart. But his voice grows louder and he reaches out, his hand closing around my forearm like a steel vice. And then the pain starts._

 _My wrist burns. All of my cuts reopen at once, sending blood streaming down my arm. I tug at his grip, trying desperately to pull away. But it's a futile effort._

 _"Failure!" he screams. "You can't save me! You can't save anyone! You're a failure!"_

 _"N-No. Please-"_

 _"I hate you! You never try to see past the surface! Do you even really care, oh Fearless Leader?"_

 _"Of course I do!" I reply, my eyes filling with tears. "I do care, Mikey!"_

 _"Not enough," he hisses. There's a_ crunch. _I slowly look down at my plastron, where Mikey's hand is embedded. His blue eyes turn dark with hate and he rips his hand out. "I should've left you to die."_

 _My breathing is erratic and shallow. Blood pools around me. I collapse onto the ground, trying to cover the enormous hole in my plastron with shaking hands. My vision turns black around the edges._

 _I'm going to die._

 _"LEO!"_

I jerk awake, screaming. Raph's arms wrap around me from behind and he pulls me against his chest. "Leo, it's okay! It's okay! Everything is okay!"

Feet pound in the hallway outside the bedroom and then Donnie and Mikey burst in. The sight of my youngest brother makes it worse and my breathing speeds up again. "Get away from me!"

He looks devastated. "L-Leo?"

I can't get enough oxygen. The room spins around me, my siblings' faces blurring. Raph's swears as I tilt to the side. "Donnie, do something!"

"Panic attack," my brainy brother explains hurriedly. But the words are muted, sounding far away.

"Leo-" Mikey tries again, reaching out to me.

I scream, jerking backwards and clipping Raph's beak with my head. He swears again, clasping a hand to his face as his eyes water. "Get him out of here," he orders, gesturing towards Mikey. "He's making it worse."

"But I-"

Donnie's expression is soft as he looks at his baby brother. "Let's go make some soup for Leo. I bet he's going to be hungry."

Tears shimmer in Mikey's eyes but he nods, wiping his face with the back of his hand. Donnie steers him from the room and their footsteps fade to silence.

Raph bends over me, making sure that our eyes meet. "Take a deep breath, Leo," he says gently. "Come on, bro."

I try, but my lungs won't cooperate. "I-I can't."

"Yes, you can. I know you can. Just one deep breath." Somehow I manage to drag in a decent amount of air and he smiles. "Good. Now do it again. Keep going."

It's easier to breathe now. A heavy weight lifts from my chest. The room stops spinning and I sigh as Raph's face comes into focus. "Thanks, Raph," I whisper.

"That's what brothers are for," he replies, quoting our old saying. His eyes soften. "You...uh... you want to talk about it? Your dream, I mean?"

I shake my head, swallowing. "No. I don't even want to think about it." It's just too disturbing. And all too real.

Raph bites his lip but doesn't press the matter. Instead, he stands up and offers me a hand. "Come on. The guys were going to make some soup for you. And I know that I'm starving."

I laugh a little, wiping my cheeks. "You go on down. I'll follow in a minute."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

As he leaves, I look down at my wrist and peel the wrappings off. All the cuts are healed, most of them scarred over. "Just a dream," I whisper to myself. "Just a dream."


	10. Chapter 9

_A/N: I apologize for the change in point of view in the last chapter, guys. I wasn't even aware that I had done it until someone pointed it out to me. XD_

 _Anyway, we're back in the correct POV and tense in this chapter._

 **Chapter 9**

Mikey sniffled, his vision blurring as he tried to focus on cooking some soup for Leo. But he couldn't keep his attention on what he was doing. All he could think about was how scared his big brother had looked.

And it was all Mikey's fault.

A big tear rolled down his cheek and he dashed it away, glaring down at the pot of tomato soup in front of him. "This is so unfair," he whispered. "All of it is."

In that moment, the youngest almost resented their father for putting so much onto Leo's shoulders. He gave him so much responsibility, so many orders to carry out. And if it weren't for Splinter, then maybe Leo wouldn't be in such a mess right now.

He shook his head, slamming the pot of soup down onto the stove and turning on the eye. Raph gave him a concerned glance. "You okay?" the hothead asked in an abnormally soft tone.

Mikey shrugged, brushing the question off and forcing a smile. "'Course I am, bro. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Mikey-"

"Seriously, dude, I'm fine. I'll see you guys later." Leaving his brothers staring after him, Mikey headed out into the yard, ducked behind the barn where they couldn't see him, and cried.

* * *

It was nearly one in the morning when Mikey crept into the bedroom he shared with Donnie. The genius was nowhere to be seen - either he was monitoring Leo, or he was out in the barn building some new contraption.

Both options were fine with the freckled turtle. It meant that he had time to himself. And based on the events of earlier, he really didn't want to talk to anyone at all.

For a long while, Mikey just sat there on his bed, staring at nothing in particular. He couldn't get Leo's terrified expression out of his mind. And the way the leader had screamed when Mikey had approached...it was almost as if...as if...

Realization dawned on Mikey and his baby-blue eyes filled with horror.

 _He's afraid of me._

Whatever he'd seen in the nightmare was apparently bad enough to scare him so much that he didn't even want to _see_ his youngest sibling.

The knowledge fractured something deep inside of Mikey's heart. He whimpered, pulling his legs to his chest as a memory surfaced in his mind.

 _"Why...why are **you** helping me?"_

 _"Because I hate seeing you this way._ _All closed off and everything. This guy, the one that harms himself, the one that isolates himself behind a cold, blank mask? That's not who you are. That's not the Leo I know. The Leo I know got buried somewhere under the hurt and heartbreak. But I'm going to help you find him again. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but someday you'll be you again. That's a promise."_

"I'm sorry, Leo," Mikey whispered, wiping away more tears. "I'm trying. I really am. I'm doing my best to help you, but maybe...maybe my best just isn't good enough."

That was the worst thing in the world, to know that he had failed his big brother. That his promise hadn't been kept. Such sadness overtook him then, such pain and darkness. Something he hadn't felt in a long time.

He slowly reached into his belt and pulled out a small leather pouch, opening the binding. The contents glinted in the dim light, urging him. Calling to him. He took a breath, tears spilling down his cheeks and soaking his mask.

And for the first time in two years, Hamato Michelangelo drew a blade across his skin.


	11. Chapter 10

_A/N: Dudes, I have a really exciting announcement to make!_

 _"Eclipse" has officially reached 1,800 reads!_

 _And in honor of that milestone - because it is a milestone, in my opinion - I've decided to post another update! (Now let's see if I can get my brain to work. That's the reason I haven't updated this one sooner, haha.)_

 **Chapter 10**

The air was strained between Leo and Mikey the next day. Leo didn't really know how to start a conversation with his youngest brother - especially given the nightmare he'd had - and Mikey, for his part, couldn't even look him in the eye.

Eventually, Raph grew tired of the awkward silence between his siblings. The hothead never _was_ that great at being subtle. So in typical Raphael fashion, he confronted Leo about it during dinner, when they were all seated around the table.

"Alright, I'm gonna say this one time and one time only. If you two-" He gestured between the oldest and youngest turtle. "-don't get over this... _whatever_ this is and start talking again, I'm gonna handcuff you together and lock you in the basement until you can act like the brothers you are!"

At the outburst, Leo blinked and Mikey froze. Donnie looked up from his T-Phone, glancing around at everyone else. A warning look appeared in Leo's eyes - one that promised a chewing out later if the matter wasn't dropped. But Raph just crossed his arms and set his jaw stubbornly.

"I mean it. You've been avoiding each other all day. I know it has something to do with whatever nightmare you had last night. And _you,"_ he added, turning his attention to Mikey, "You've been sulking since you got up this morning. You've hardly said two words together the entire day. And that just isn't like you. So what's up?"

"I-" Mikey caught himself, his baby-blues filling with something close to fear. Because if Leo found out that he was cutting again, it would kill him. He closed his mouth and shook his head, signaling that he wasn't going to speak.

Raph's eyes narrowed and he looked at the blue-banded leader. Leo flushed guiltily. He knew he wasn't doing his job as a big brother. He was avoiding this problem - and avoiding something didn't ever make it better. And on top of _that,_ he still wasn't figuring out what was wrong with Mikey.

But there was still too much fear in his heart because of the nightmare he'd had. It had just hit too close to home. So he stayed quiet.

Raph heaved a sigh. "Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

* * *

To his credit, the hothead didn't lock them in the basement. Mikey was still terrified of the dimly-lit room - had been ever since the events with the "Mom Thing."

No, Raph just cuffed them together and put the key in his belt, promising that they wouldn't be separated until they started talking to each other again - specifically, until Leo talked about his nightmare and Mikey 'fessed up to whatever was going on with him.

For the first few hours, it was pretty awkward. There was no easy way to maneuver when you were tied to someone else. But eventually the brothers worked out a pattern. Everything was going according to Raph's plan...except for the fact that they still weren't speaking with each other.

The two of them managed to keep up the silence all through the day and well into the night. When it was time to sleep, Leo decided that he and Mikey would bunk in his and Raph's room - the others could just make do with sharing the other bedroom for one night.

Leo climbed into bed, pulling his youngest brother with him. Mikey followed suit but turned on his side so he faced away from him. Their linked arms laid in between them on the bed.

He still hadn't said a word.

And finally - _finally_ \- the leader just couldn't take it anymore. "Mikey," he whispered. "Look at me, Otouto. Please. We can't keep going like this."

There was the sound of a sniffle. And then...

"I hurt you."

The words took Leo by surprise. "What are you talking about?"

"I hurt you somehow, didn't I? That's why you won't talk to me. I hurt you and-"

"No, Mikey. No. You didn't hurt me."

And then Mikey did turn around. And the level of pain and anguish on his face broke Leo's heart. "Then why did you scream when I came into the room to check on you, huh?" the youngest demanded. "Why wouldn't you let me get close to you? Why wouldn't you talk to me?"

"Because I-I..." The blue-banded turtle floundered for a good response - or a way to get him out of the conversation. But there wasn't one. "I had a nightmare," he said lamely.

"So everyone keeps telling me," Mikey replied in a dejected voice. "You had a nightmare and it scared you so bad you had a panic attack. That doesn't explain why you were scared of _me._ "

"I wasn't scared of..." Leo couldn't even finish his sentence. He knew it was true.

And so did Mikey. "Look, bro. If you don't want to talk to me that's fine. If you don't want to look at me I'm okay with that too. But at least give me a reason _why._ " His voice cracked. "Please."

In the end, it wasn't Mikey's words that did it. It wasn't the way he phrased the sentence. It wasn't even the fact that they would never get out of the handcuffs if they didn't get past this roadblock.

It was the tears glistening in Mikey's baby blue eyes.

So Leo found himself relaying the dream to his little brother despite every fiber of his being telling him not to. Despite the growing look of shock on the freckled turtle's face. Despite the obvious pain it caused both of them.

And when he was finished, Mikey started sobbing.


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N:** Hey, guys. I know it's been almost a month since I updated this...sorry. Things have been hectic for me.

Anyway, here we go.

 **Chapter 11**

 _Leo found himself relaying the dream to his little brother despite every fiber of his being telling him not to. Despite the growing look of shock on the freckled turtle's face. Despite the obvious pain it caused both of them._

 _And when he was finished, Mikey started sobbing._

Leo's cobalt eyes widened in surprise and concern. "Mikey," he said, putting his hands on his brother's face. "Mikey, what's wrong? What did I say?"

"It's not w-what you s-said," the youngest whimpered. "It's n-not you, Leo. I...I did s-something really b-bad and I don't know how to f-fix it."

"What is it, little brother?"

He couldn't show him. He _shouldn't_ show him. But he did.

The oldest turtle watched as Mikey reached out and grabbed his belt, then opened a pocket...and pulled out the missing knife kit. "What?" he breathed. "I don't...I thought it was Raph-"

"You thought what was me?"

The unexpected appearance of the hothead in the doorway had Mikey flinching and shoving the stolen kit under the pillow. Leo swallowed, tearing his gaze away from his baby brother. "Nothing. It was nothing."

For a moment it looked like Raph wanted to argue. But he just shrugged and walked into the room, unlocking their handcuffs. "Since you two seemed to have made up," he explained.

As soon as the metal left his wrist, Mikey was running from the room. The kitchen door slammed shut two seconds later. Raph blinked and looked at his remaining sibling. "I didn't think it had been that bad."

Leo remained silent, staring at the empty doorway. _I don't understand. Why would he take my kit, unless..._

Butthe thought was too terrifying - and far too close to what had happened in his nightmare. He reached under the pillow and ran a finger over the worn leather pouch, his thoughts a million miles away. Eventually it registered in his mind that Raph was talking to him.

"... alright, Fearless?"

At the nickname, Leo's gaze snapped up to the brawler's face. He stealthily slipped the pouch into his own belt, shaking his head. "I don't know, Raph. I really don't know anymore."

 **A/N: I know it was kinda short... I'm trying to get my creative juices flowing again. College is kind of killing them. Heh.**

 **Please review!**


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Mikey ran.

He ran fast and he ran far, crashing through the underbrush and not really caring where his feet took him. He finally came to a stop in a clearing - not because he wanted to, but because his legs buckled and he collapsed onto the forest floor.

The orange-banded turtle buried his face in his hands and screamed. It was a scream of rage and anguish and self-loathing, echoing through his body and tearing from his throat. He was so _disgusted_ with himself. So ashamed _._ Ashamed of who he was, who he had become. Of all the lies he'd told.

He cringed as he remembered the way Leo had looked back in the farmhouse. How worried the eldest had been that _he'd_ said or done something to make Mikey cry.

 _I don't deserve that worry,_ Mikey thought miserably.

He'd helped his oldest brother get back on his feet, at least temporarily. That was true. But somehow, he couldn't help himself. All he could do was paste on a fake smile and act like everything was okay.

"All I want is to go back to a time where I could smile and it wouldn't take everything in me to do it," the freckled ninja whispered. His baby-blue eyes shone with unshed tears and his lower lip trembled as he lay down on his carapace and stared up at the sky through the leafy canopy. Here and there, stars twinkled down at him, glinting as if to promise a better day tomorrow.

But for Mikey, there _were_ no better days. Each day was harder than the last. And he could only pretend he was okay for so long before he broke down completely and did something irreparable.

He sniffled, wrapping his arms around himself and closing his eyes. "I just wish it didn't hurt so badly."

The wind picked up, whisking his near-silent plea away from his lips before the last syllable was even fully formed. A tired sigh escaped his mouth and his shoulders slumped. He drifted off into a fitful sleep as exhaustion finally claimed him.

* * *

"Mikey! Where are you?!"

Mikey's eyes snapped open and he jerked upright. His head spun with the unexpected movement and he winced at the stiffness of his neck. "I'm over here," he called hoarsely. His throat was raw from screaming and crying.

Everything hurt.

Raph and Donnie appeared at the edge of the clearing. Both turtles visibly wilted in relief when they caught sight of him. And then Raph's face hardened again. "What the shell were you thinking?!" he snapped. "We've been looking for you for _hours!_ You're lucky we found you before something else did!"

 _Screw up._

The youngest winced internally. But he put on a brilliant smile...which he was pretty sure they his brothers knew was fake. "Sorry, dude. Just lost track of time, I guess."

"You _guess?!_ Mikey, if I had my way, you'd be-"

Donnie cut his immediate older brother off with a hand on the brawler's arm. "Okay, Raph, I think he gets it. We should get back to the house before Leo gets any more worried. You know it's not good for his health."

And by health, Mikey supposed, he meant _mental_ health.

The genius turned his attention to Mikey, assessing him with a critical eye. Mikey turned up the wattage on his fake smile, even closing his eyes to complete the effect. Donnie said nothing else. But the orange-banded turtle had a feeling that he was in for a talking to when they got back.

* * *

"...you know that wasn't very smart of you, right?"

Mikey sighed and looked away as Donnie finished cleaning up his arms and legs - scraped and red from getting hit by all the branches and briars during his mad dash through the woods. "I know," he replied tensely. "Believe me, Raph was all over my shell about it."

The resident genius released a small sigh of his own. "I'm not gonna pretend that I know what's going on inside of your head. But I will tell you that we're all worried about you, Mike."

"Shouldn't you worry about Leo instead? He's the one who... y'know."

"Last I checked," Donnie interjected, "I had the ability to worry about more than one of my brothers at a time."

"Maybe. But Leo's more important right now. We took this 'vacation' for him, not me. To help him get better."

"Mikey..."

"I'm _fine,_ Donnie! Jeez! Is that what you want to hear? That I'm fine? Cuz I'll say it as many times as you want me to say it. I mean, heck. I've been saying it for _years_ already. What's a little bit longer?"

Donnie fell silent, staring at him in shock. Mikey flinched and his eyes widened as he realized what he said.

"Aw, crap. I'm sorry, D. I didn't mean to say any of that. I-I'm just gonna go now... I'm sure you have plenty of stuff to do."

"Mikey," the purple-banded ninja said softly. "Is that really how you feel?"

Mikey shrugged, not meeting his sibling's gaze. "Yes...no... I don't know."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Maybe because I was waiting for you guys to notice," the freckled turtle replied quietly. "I thought you would've seen that I wasn't myself. But it was like none of you cared. So I didn't say anything."

"... That sounds like a lonely way to live."

"You get used to it after a while."

"But you shouldn't have to. ...Kraang, Mikey... I wish I'd have realized..."

"Don't blame yourself, Don. It's as much my fault as it is yours." He offered him a half smile. "I'm okay. I promise." _Or I will be. I hope._

Donnie inhaled. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"... alright. But if you need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks." They sat there awkwardly for a moment before Mikey cleared his throat. "You should go check on Leo. I'm sure he needs it."

The genius stood, nodding. On his way out the door he stopped. "We love you, little brother. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. Thanks, D."

As his brother's footsteps faded, Mikey released a long breath and sank back into the couch. His emotions were coming to the front again. Definitely not a good sign.

Emotions were unpredictable and uncontrollable. And right now, Mikey couldn't afford to be out of control.

There was just too much at risk.

 **Please review.**


	14. Author's Note: PLEASE READ

**Author's Note**

I know that this is shameless marketing, and you were probably looking for an actual chapter...but I'd like to ask you guys a favor. Please go check out my new two-shot called "Mikey's Adventure." I hope it'll make you laugh at least a little bit.

 **Summary** :

 _What do two katana, a stray kitten, an eight-year-old, and a rodeo have to do with each other? Nothing, unless you're Hamato Michaelangelo. And one thing's for sure: Mikey's had a wild night._

So that's all I had. Sorry if you thought this was an actual chapter.


	15. Chapter 13

_A/N: Once again, I'm sorry for posting an author's note without an actual chapter, guys. Every time I open the "properties" section of this story and see the note I feel guilty. So...sorry._

 _Also sorry for taking such a long time to update. (And I know, there've been times where it's taken me far longer to update. But still.) I know I left it on a cliffhanger. Sort of._

 _Anyway, let's get going._

 **Chapter 13**

Leo rolled over in bed when he heard the door creak open. It came as no surprise to him that it was Donnie peeking into the room.

"How is he?" the leader asked in a low, quiet voice.

"Banged up but alive. Just some minor scratches on his arms and legs from the underbrush. Nothing serious. He's downstairs resting right now."

"That's not what I meant, Donnie."

Donnie sighed and entered the room, sitting down on the end of the bed. "I know it's not. What I _don't_ know is why he ran off. I don't suppose you'd have any idea as to his reasoning, do you?"

The blue-banded turtle bit his lip, trying to ignore the sideways glance thrown his way. "He's...working through some things."

A sigh. "Leo..."

"Don, I can't tell you what's going through his head, okay? He won't even tell _me_ everything."

"...he said that he'd been lying all these years about being fine. That he didn't say anything about how he really felt because he was waiting for us to notice that he wasn't himself."

Leo flinched at that revelation. _Just another way I failed them,_ he thought before he could help himself. A dark look crossed his face and he shook his head wordlessly.

But Donnie didn't have to hear any words to know what that look meant. "Don't. Don't blame yourself, Leo. Not for this-"

"Why not? It was my responsibility to look after you three, whether Dad was here or not. I was the oldest. I was the one in charge. I should've _seen_ that this was going on. If I'd have noticed then none of this would've happened and he wouldn't be like this right now. But I was too caught up in my own drama to realize that he needed help-"

"Leo-"

"I mean _Kraang,_ Donnie. When was the last time I stopped to ask you guys how _you_ were doing?"

Whatever the genius had been going to say in reply vanished into thin air as he was met with that question. Leo sighed.

"See? Lousy big brother."

Donnie shook his head. "None of us have been the brothers we're supposed to be lately," he said softly. "I've been locked up in the barn since we got here. Raph's had all his focus on football games. It's not just you and Mikey. We could all give a little more effort to make this better."

The eldest was silent for a moment, his gaze distant. "Do you...do you think Sensei ever knew we'd be in this position?"

"He was wiser than any of us ever realized...he might have known. But who's to say?" Donnie wasn't about to reveal the many times Splinter had come to him to ask about Leo's health, or how the rat talked to him about his fears that he had put too much on Leo's shoulders.

"...Donnie?"

"Yeah?"

"...would he be proud of me?"

The words were whispered, and Donnie didn't miss the telltale shimmer of tears in his brother's cobalt eyes. His heart squeezed in sympathy. "He _was_ proud of you, Leo. There was nothing in the world that could change that."

"Not even everything I've done?"

"Do you remember the day he spoke to us about bravery?"

"Not really," Leo admitted.

Donnie inhaled, closing his eyes and allowing the memory to surface. "He said that bravery isn't about facing your fears, but getting back up when you've fallen. Brushing the dust off and standing again. That's bravery." *****

The eldest remained quiet, so Donnie kept going.

"You are the bravest person I've ever met, Leo. You've fallen, yes, but you're trying to get better. You're working to get back to the top again. And that's all that matters."

"Not true. It matters that I was weak. It matters that I have these scars. They won't go away, Don."

"Maybe not. But they'll be a reminder to you about exactly how strong you are. The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."

"Are you...are you quoting _The Lion King?"_

"Surprised?"

"A little, yeah."

"Why? The effects were pretty good, especially for an animated '90s movie. The character evolution wasn't so bad either. The story had a good moral to it...and besides, Simba kind of reminds me of you."

Leo blinked. "In what way?"

A sheepish smile appeared on Donnie's face. "We-ell...you're both a little lost - at least in the beginning. You're both the 'chosen ones' who are supposed to lead the clan to victory or happiness or whatever. You're both strong-willed and kind and you care about your people."

"But Simba got better. He did what he was supposed to."

"After he had fallen," the genius pointed out. "He fell, yes, but he _got back up._ Just like you will."

"...You have a lot of faith in me."

"Yes, I do."

"Why?"

"Because you're my big brother. You can do anything you put your mind to, Leo."

"Even come back from this big of a fall?"

"Even come back from this big of a fall," Donnie replied. As if he believed every single word he was saying.

The sincerity in that statement left Leo speechless. All he could do was pull his brother into a hug and whisper a _thank-you_ as hot tears trickled down his cheeks.

Because if his family truly believed that he could get better, then maybe there was still hope. And that meant everything to him.

 **A/N: Still not sure about that ending...ehhhhh...what'd you guys think? Okay? Good? Bad?**

 **Also, I just came up with that parallel between Simba and Leo. It's _kinda_ appropriate, I guess. They're sorta similar. At least in my opinion.**

 ***That quote was actually copied from my other book "A Leader's Legacy." Had to use it haha.**

 **Please review.**


	16. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

To say that Raph was ticked off would be a gross understatement. Right now, he was more irritated and frustrated and worried than he'd been in the entirety of his life.

Leo was still getting over his old habits - and really, why was it that the _only_ time that they ever came up to the farmhouse was when Leo was sick or hurt? - and Mikey was moping around and being secretive about where he'd been running off to.

That was supposed to be Raph's job.

The red-banded turtle swore under his breath and hacked away at the piece of wood that simply refused to split, despite his best efforts. But the axe was old and dull and worn - at this point, it was more mangling the wood than cutting through it.

He huffed in frustration and threw the axe down onto the leaf-covered grass that was starting to become crunchy under his feet. Winter was on its way, and Leo was no closer to being himself again than he was when they started. He might've even been _worse_ than when they started, if you counted the panic attack he'd had a few weeks ago.

But any time Raph approached the subject, Leo directed it to Mikey and Mikey directed it right back to Leo. It was a never-ending cycle of mystery and, on Raph's part, annoyance.

"I just...don't get it," he mumbled, shaking his head as he retrieved the axe. "I don't understand why they're being like this. Why Mikey's being so... _not_ Mikey. I mean, Leo I can at least _sort of_ understand, considering what he's been through and all the pressure that was put on him. But Mikey was always so happy. Annoyingly so. It just doesn't add up."

"Raphael."

The brawler yelped and spun around. His fiery green eyes widened and the axe slipped from his hands again. "W-What...are you...are you real?"

Master Splinter's furry face split in a smile. "I am as real as you are, my son."

* * *

After a few minutes of talking with his father, Raph realized that the rat master was doing the whole "astral-projection-thing" that Leo had experienced before they took down the Shredder and Kavaxas. He felt a brief surge of disappointment that Splinter wasn't truly _here..._ but then again, if he _had_ been here, it would've been completely strange and out-of-place. Especially considering the fact that he'd already been buried.

"How are your brothers faring, Raphael?"

Raph snapped back to the present, focusing on the shimmering outline of the older mutant. "Not...particularly well," he admitted quietly. He was hesitant to say anything at all on the situation, but he'd really been needing to talk to someone about what was going on, and Donnie was either too preoccupied and heard nothing or overanalyzed everything.

Splinter closed his eyes and sighed. "I was afraid you might say that. I have sensed Leonardo's and Michelangelo's spirits. They are very troubled at the moment. But I cannot find out why."

 _So he **can't** see what's actually going on. ...how much does he know about how Leo's been feeling about himself? _

"Actually, Sensei...there's something going on with Leo and Mike."

"Explain."

His heart pounded in his chest and he took a deep breath to steady himself. _Is it right to tell him?_ Well, he _was_ their dad. "I-I don't know how much you noticed about Leo when you were still...when you were here, but he's been having some trouble with his...um...how he looks at himself."

The rat's ears twitched but other than that he made no comment. Raph inhaled again.

"...he's been dealing with depression, Sensei. Apparently for a long while. And he...um...he started hurting himself because of it."

At this, Splinter's eyes flew open and he gaped at his second-eldest. "Leonardo?"

"Hai, Sensei."

A long string of Japanese curse words tumbled out of the ninja's mouth and he rubbed a hand over his furred face. "I heaped too much upon his shoulders," Splinter mumbled. "My poor, brave son...when did this happen, Raphael?"

"Not long ago. We've been staying at the farmhouse so he'll get better. But he hasn't really made any progress, and we don't know what to do." Another confession. "On top of that...Mikey's been having trouble as well. I don't know anything about what he's going through - he won't tell anybody. But he snuck out the other day, and it took us hours to find him. He was scraped up, bruised, and wouldn't talk about what happened to him. Donnie apparently got a confession out of him that he'd been feeling really lonely and lying about being "fine" for years." A frustrated sigh escaped Raph's lips. "It just doesn't add up. Mikey's always been happy, and Leo's always been strong. But somehow...it all changed."

The rat master shook his head. "The only constant is change. You must learn to adapt to new situations." He smiled sadly. "I wish I could give your brothers the help that they need...but my time here is almost up as it stands." As if to prove his point, his shimmering form flickered, disappearing for a brief moment. "Leonardo and Michelangelo need your strength, Raphael. You must be there for them."

"Sensei?"

"Give my regards to your brothers, and know that I will do my best to watch over the four of you."

"Wait-"

"I love you, my son."

"Wait! Don't go!"

There was a flash of light. Raph cried out and shielded his face. When he looked again, Splinter was gone. "Great," the brawler muttered. "Thanks for the help, Dad." He sighed and grabbed the axe again, leaning it up against the tree stump and then walking back to the house.

 _Learn to adapt._

Suddenly, Raph stopped in his tracks. The answer was so obvious.

Maybe they weren't going back to the way they used to be because they _couldn't._ Maybe all they could do was learn how to live with the new situation.

And maybe that would be enough.

For the first time in weeks, a real smile overtook Raph's face. He finally knew what to do.

* * *

 _A/N: A few things..._

 _(1) Sorry for the long wait. I've had trouble getting back into it._

 _(2) How'd you like my...erm...guest appearance? The idea just popped into my head this morning and I had to use it. Poor Raphie just had no idea what to do about the situation. He was totally out of his league. So I figured that he could use a familiar face and some friendly advice._

 _(3) I've got a big, dramatic blow-up planned for sometime in the next few chapters. You'll just have to wait and see what it is._

 _Okay, that's all I've got. Next time, guys._

 _Cowabunga. XD_


	17. Chapter 15

_A/N: Sorry again for the long break, guys. Things have been crazy lately with all my college work. I'm trying to get back to updating all my stuff, so please be patient with me. I know you already have, and thank you very much for your support. ;)_

 _Also, I was informed (politely) that Raph wasn't nearly as emotional as he should've been when Splinter disappeared. I wasn't sure how to write that part - Raph is big and tough, after all. And yeah, I know he has feelings too, but...oh, well. Let's just get going._

 **Chapter 15**

"Donnie? Donnie, where are you? I gotta talk to you!"

"In the kitchen, Raph. Exactly where I've been all morning- are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

That was a very accurate description, Raph thought absently. His brain was still focused on trying to process just what had happened. "I did. I mean, I think I did. I'm not completely sure. The further away I get from it the less it seems real, but I _want_ it to be real and not just some made-up thing in my imagination because that would be worse than actually-"

A sharp, stinging sensation brought his rambling to a halt. He stared, wide-eyed, at Donnie for a long moment, gently touching his red cheek.

"Did you just slap me?"

"You were freaking out," the genius informed him quietly. "Now take a deep breath and tell me what happened."

* * *

Once he was finished speaking - calmly this time - Raph became acutely aware of the fact that Donnie was staring at him with a level of seriousness he hadn't seen since the Invasion.

"You saw Master Splinter?"

The hothead nodded emphatically. "Yeah. Had a long talk with him and everything. He told me that he'd sensed Leo and Mike were troubled, but couldn't tell why."

Donnie frowned, leaning forward and resting his mouth on his folded hands. "I'm guessing you told him what was going on?"

"Of course I did. I didn't necessarily _want_ to, but...Kraang, Don. I just...I didn't know what to do. I needed advice." A sigh escaped Raph's lips and his shoulders sagged. He dragged a weary hand down his face. "I can't handle it anymore. It's too much."

There was a moment of silence, and then Raph spoke again. Softly. As if the words hurt too much to say any louder.

"I can understand why Dad gave the leadership position to Leo in the first place. It's a hard load to carry - and that's something I didn't really understand back before everything happened. I was just jealous because it seemed like Leo got all the prestige and honor and whatever. But it's...it's a bunch of crap. The honor and prestige don't mean a damn thing. Not when you constantly have to worry about making sure your family comes home alive every single night. Not when you have to deal with all their stuff so that you don't even have time to _think_ about yourself."

And finally, _finally_ Raph was facing the truth - a truth he never wanted to face. A truth none of them wanted to face. But here they were. Here he was. And he couldn't look away. "It wasn't fair, Don. It wasn't fair to put all that on his shoulders, to make him carry that burden and responsibility. He didn't even have time to enjoy his childhood before he had to grow up. And in a way, it makes sense why Leo's the way he is now, all depressed and everything. I would be too if all that happened to me."

"I know," Donnie whispered, tears stinging at his golden-brown eyes. "I know. I wish we could go back and fix all that so Leo never had to go through any of this. But we can't. We just have to find a way to make it better, so he doesn't feel alone again. So he has someone to talk to, no matter what happens." The genius swallowed and his voice grew hoarse. "I keep having these nightmares," he admitted. "I haven't told anyone about them. But they're always the same. I'm out on the dock, and Leo's standing a few feet away from me. He keeps telling me that he's sorry for everything and for what he's about to do. Before I can even move, he jumps off the dock and into the ocean. And you're not there to save him."

"Aw, Don-"

But the genius kept going, like he was completely unaware that his brother said anything at all. "And then I turn around and Mikey's behind me. Only-" His voice caught in his throat and he swallowed again. "Only he's not breathing either. He's lying facedown in a pool of blood."

Raph froze then, his brain grasping at that last sentence. For a moment, he was back in his bedroom at the Lair, facing an exhausted-looking Michelangelo.

 _"Raphie...please. Just try. For Leo's sake. And...and if you can't get through to him, if you guys start arguing again, you can stop. But at least talk to him for ten minutes. Please. He has to know he's not alone."_

 _"This...this isn't just about Leo, is it? This is about you too, somehow."_

 _"My only concern right now is saving Leo. Anything else can wait. It has to."_

The blood drained from Raph's face. And suddenly, he had a horrible suspicion about exactly what was bothering his baby brother. _Not Mikey. No, no, no. Please God, no. Not him._

"Raph?" Donnie asked, touching the older ninja's arm. "Is everything okay?"

"I hope so, Don. I really, really hope so."

* * *

 **A/N: Boom! Another cliffhanger!** **Sorry...kind of. ;)**

 **Alright, guys. That's all I've got for this chapter. Tried to make Raphie-boy a little more touchy-feely. Hope it worked better.**

 **See you on the flip side.**

 **Peace.**


	18. Chapter 16

_A/N: Here's the big blowup I promised a couple chapters ago. (Warning: there's some language in here - nothing too major, but thought I'd warn you all the same.) Dunno if I've given Raph's eye color or not, but I'm going to assume I have and that it's green. And I was reading earlier chapters, and I realized that I'd had Leo and Raph as older/younger brothers...changing it to twins in this chapter and for the rest of the story._

 _Also...sorry for the lack of updates. :\_

 **Chapter 16**

Doubt and fear ate at Raph until he couldn't take it anymore. He'd been chatting quietly with Donnie for the past few hours - partly because they hadn't actually had a decent conversation in months, and partly because he was trying to distract himself.

It wasn't working.

So he stretched and stood. "I'm gonna go see how Mike's doing," the hothead announced.

Donnie stared at him for a long moment, furrowing his eye ridges a little. _What aren't you telling me?_ his eyes seemed to say. But he let it pass, nodding. "Alright. I guess I'll go get a nap."

"You need one," Raph agreed, grinning a little. "You look like crap."

"Gee, thanks."

"No problem."

Raph found his youngest brother staring blankly at the television - exactly where he'd been since lunch time. "Hey, Mike. How's it going?"

"Fine, I guess."

"Cool. So, uh...mind if I sit down?"

Mikey shrugged, still not looking at him. "I mean, it's not my couch. You can do whatever you want."

A frown crossed the brawler's face. It wasn't like Mikey to be so...careless. "Is something bothering you, bro?"

For a long while, Mikey didn't answer. Finally he sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Yes. No. I don't know. I mean-"

 _"WHAT THE HELL?!"_

The brothers' gazes locked. "Donnie," Mikey whispered, eyes wide with fear. As one, they turned and bolted upstairs...where they found a raging Donatello and a defensive, bleary-eyed Leonardo.

"You're supposed to be getting better!" the resident genius snapped at their sibling. "Not hurting yourself again while we're here!"

"I'm not hurting myself!" Leo retorted, the sleepiness quickly fading from his expression. He crossed his arms and scowled. "You can check me if you want, but I've been clean for a month and a half!"

Mikey's heart dropped into his stomach. He suddenly knew exactly what they were talking about. But Raph didn't.

"What is going on in here?" he demanded, fiery gaze bright behind his red mask.

Donnie brandished the "borrowed" leather pouch that contained most of Leo's razor blades. "I want him to explain this!"

"What is it?"

"It's a razor blade kit. To be specific, it's _Leo's_ razor blade kit."

Raph understood immediately, turning his attention directly on his twin. "Let me see your wrists. Now."

"I'm not cutting myself!"

"Then let me see your wrists!"

"Guys-"

"Take off the damn wrappings before I tear them off myself!"

Ice-cold cobalt met burning green. They stared at each other for a long, tense moment, neither one of them blinking. Then Leo lowered his head and began to unwind the gauze on his wrists. The very air grew still and silent, as if the entire world was holding its breath.

When his wrists were finally bared, there was nothing but old scars. No new marks ravaged his skin.

"I told you," Leo said quietly. "And you didn't believe me."

Raph sighed, shoulders sagging a little. "Look, it's just...based on past events, we gotta be careful. That's all."

"I still have a question," Don piped up. "Why did you bring it if you weren't going to use it?"

"I..." the blue-banded turtle bit his lip. "I don't know."

The youngest of the four remained silent. Because despite everything - despite his depression, and the rift slowly forming between the two of them, and everything else-, Leo was still trying to protect him.

"What do you mean, you don't know? You just tossed it in your bag so that it was there? Was it just in case you felt like using it or..."

"I already told you that I'm not cutting anymore. What more do you want from me, Don?" The question came out more than a little heated. But Donnie responded in kind.

"A real answer. I want a _real answer_ , Leonardo. Why. Is. It. Here?"

"..."

Mikey blinked back tears, swallowing. He couldn't let Leo take the fall for this. "...because I brought it."

 **Please review.**


	19. Chapter 17

_A/N: Didn't realize how dark a headspace I had to go to to be able to write this stuff... I forgot what that darkness was like._

 _Anyway... let's get going._

 **Chapter** **17**

"Leo didn't bring the kit. I did."

For a moment, everything was silent. Then the room exploded.

 _"What?!"_

"Are you insane?!"

"What the hell were you _thinking?"_

Tears stung at Mikey's eyes and he rubbed the baby blue orbs furiously. He would not cry. He would take this like a real turtle.

Eventually, Donnie realized that he and Raph were making things worse. A sigh escaped his lips and he shook his head. He was tired, suddenly. So very, very tired.

"Mikey," he said, quieter now, "Please tell me that you didn't bring them for the reason I'm thinking you brought them."

The youngest would've denied it. He would've happily lied about it and kept his siblings in the dark. But one glance at Leo's face - pale, lined with fatigue and worry, his cobalt eyes shining with pain and tears - and it was all over.

 **TMNT/TMNT/TMNT**

They had a long talk that night once everything had settled down and Raph wasn't threatening to blow up anymore.

The main reason the brawler wasn't as volatile was because he wasn't actually _in_ the farmhouse at the time. And the conversation itself consisted mainly of Donatello doing the talking, and a silent Michelangelo staring down at his own feet. Leo was out on the front porch, sitting on the swing, where he'd been for hours now.

Suffice it to say that the whole matter hadn't gone over well. Mikey could tell that Leo was heading right back into that darkness that he'd tried so hard to escape from - which was the one thing that the youngest turtle was the most afraid of. That was the reason he hadn't said anything. That was the reason he'd tried so hard to keep himself in check.

But he'd failed. Miserably.

 **TMNT/TMNT/TMNT**

"Leo?"

The eldest didn't look over, didn't say anything - didn't even move. Mikey wasn't sure if he was even really _breathing._

"...I'm s-"

"Don't."

"But-"

"For the love of God, Mike, just _stop_. _Talking_." Leo dragged a hand down his face, swearing under his breath. "I mean, _Kraang..._ what were you _thinking?_ You made me promise to come to you if it got bad. Why the hell wouldn't it be the other way around, too? You think I wouldn't do the same for you? You think that I'd be angry at you because it was getting bad again?"

The freckled ninja shook his head, trying not to cry again. "No," he denied harshly. "I didn't think you'd be angry. I thought you'd be disappointed. And you are."

When Leo finally looked at him, really truly _looked at him,_ he winced. There were deep, dark bags under those red-rimmed cobalt eyes. The lines on Leo's forehead that had begun to smooth out since they'd come to the farmhouse were back and stronger than before.

 _He's too young to look that old._

"Yeah, I'm disappointed. But I'm disappointed because I didn't see this coming. Or maybe I did and I just didn't want to see the truth." _Pain tears knife blood tears screaming knife dripping blood knife wrists cut-_

"This is exactly why I didn't want you to find out. I knew you'd blame yourself for it again!"

"Don't you get it?!" The blue-banded turtle was yelling now, screaming almost, tears soaking into his mask and running down his cheeks. He rose out of his seat and stalked forward a few paces, right towards his little brother. "I'm supposed to notice that stuff and keep it from happening! I'm supposed to keep you guys safe. That's my _job!_ " His voice caught and cracked; he swallowed. "It's all I'm really good for, anyway."

Such rage crossed Mikey's face then, rage like he'd never seen before. It was a terrifying sight to behold.

The smaller turtle slammed his hands against Leo's plastron and pushed him backwards so that he fell into the porch railing. "Stop doing that to yourself! Stop acting like you mean so much less than we do, like your life is worth absolutely nothing! I _hate_ it when you do that! Do you honestly think that you're not worth it? Do you really have that low an opinion of yourself?"

Leo didn't - couldn't - answer. But he didn't have to. They both knew it was true.

At the look on his big brother's face, Mikey's rage ebbed away, leaving him drained and exhausted. He slumped down onto the porch swing and buried his face in his hands. "Look at us, Leo," he whispered. "We're really messed up, aren't we?"

And Leo found he had no answer for that question, either.

 **A/N: Please review.**


	20. Dawn (of the new book!)

**Dawn (of the new book!)**

Yes, we're here again, at the end of another story...I'm going to miss this series when it wraps up. Writing these books (which I consider part of the "Second Age" of my FF account, if that makes sense) has gotten me through so much, and I don't know what will happen when this is over.

But today is not that day.

There is, written and posted, the first chapter in the final book. No prologue this time; we get right into the action. The title of this book is "Dawn" - as you may have guessed based on this chapter's title. Go check it out.

And now, my friends, we've come to the part which I love: thanking you. I've long said that an author is nothing without their readers, and I reiterate that I am nothing without all of you. Your reviews are my bread and butter on this site, and I always look forward to reading each and every one of them.

Thank you for keeping me going, for showing your support of all of my works, and for simply being there. I hope that I see you guys again in another story, be it in the reviews or in one of your own books that I enjoy reading so much.

I am forever yours,

~ Queen

 **P.S. What kind of an author would I be without leaving you a taste of the next book? ;)**

 _Dawn Summary:_

 _Dawn. The end and the beginning. The final chapters of what came before. Poor decisions lead to situations that aren't easily changed. Leo and Mikey are in deeper than before, and the others might not be able to help this time. Something must be done before it's too late for the oldest and youngest of the Hamato Clan. (Rated T for probable language and definite adult themes.)_


End file.
